


As long as you come back to me, I will live.

by hhhhusername



Series: Together, for better and for worse (and so far mostly worse) [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:35:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29511183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhhhusername/pseuds/hhhhusername
Summary: “Erwin is missing”.It was when he heard these words that Levi understood how much he cared about the commander.They just came back from another mission outside the walls. The mission didn’t go well, as usual, but they didn’t suffer as many losses as the previous missions. A small relief for the survey corps, but when death is part of your daily life, you learn to live with it. To accept it and keep living. Or at least that’s what the captain Levi believed. Until today.
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith
Series: Together, for better and for worse (and so far mostly worse) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2182194
Comments: 6
Kudos: 98





	As long as you come back to me, I will live.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MxCordelia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MxCordelia/gifts).



> This is my first aot Fanfiction. It's inspired by an headcanon by mxcordelia on TikTok.  
> It may be a little out of character but look at all the fucks I give. (Actually it's not that out of character, I did my best)  
> This story is set shortly after the fall of wall Maria, before Eren and the others joined the scouts.

“Erwin is missing”.  
It was when he heard these words that Levi understood how much he cared about the commander.  
They just came back from another mission outside the walls. The mission didn’t go well, as usual, but they didn’t suffer as many losses as the previous missions. A small relief for the Survey Corps, but when death is part of your daily life, you learn to live with it. To accept it and keep living. Or at least that’s what the captain Levi believed. Until today.  
When he came back, they were counting the soldiers remaining, to see who they lost and who survived. He immediately noticed that something wasn’t right. Everytime he came back from a mission, the captain's eyes would immediately look for the tall blond figure of the commander, but today, he wasn’t anywhere to be found.   
Levi went up to Hange, maybe they knew where he was. 

“Hange…”

“Levi ! Erwin is missing !”

Levi felt like the world was collapsing under his feet.

It took the captain a minute to come back from his shock. 

“ We have to send a troop to look for him.”

Hange tried to reason him. “And lose more soldiers ? Levi, you must be joking ? We can’t do that, and you’re always the first to try to avoid unnecessary sacrifices”

“You’re right, no need to risk anyone’s life. I’ll go look for him myself.” the dark haired man turned away to get his horse. 

Hange grabbed him by the shoulder “Oh no. You’re not going anywhere, and especially not alone. You may be an excellent soldier but going out there on your own is suicide !”

Levi heard himself respond, “so be it.” he did not expect these words to come out of his lips, but before he took the time to be surprised or wonder if the thought of losing Erwin actually made him want to die, Hange brutally dragged him back to reality.  
He never expected to be hit in the face, and especially not by his titan-crazy friend. In other circumstances, anyone who would have dared to punch him would have been dead within a heartbeat. But not today. Not right now. Instead he simply stared at Hange, still processing what had just happened, too shocked to be angry. The scientist took a step back, probably a little surprised by their own action as well and awaiting their friend’s wrathful reaction. As it did not come they took a breath and continued.

“Don’t you dare say things like that. We need you here. I need you here. Both as a soldier and a friend. If you die a stupid death, humanity will lose its greatest and strongest soldier for nothing. And I will lose another friend. I care about Erwin. Maybe not as much as you do, but still”, Hange stared into his eyes. “I can’t lose both of you on the same day. I won’t let it happen.” Levi crossed his arms, listening as they continued, “besides, we don’t know if Erwin died or not. Nobody saw him, maybe he’ll come back”

“Don’t tell me you truly believe that”, he cut sharply, “If you don’t believe I can make it back alone, there’s no way  _ he _ can”

“But he might not be alone, the entire squad around him is missing, maybe they simply faced a minor incident and will be back soon”

“Bullshit. They’re all dead and if by some miracle there are survivors they need assistance, and you know it.”

“I swear to everything Levi, if you try anything reckless, I will have you locked up until you calm down”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Well...I guess I underestimated them”, thought Levi as he looked at the locked room Hange forced him into, “they did dare.”

At first, the captain tried to contain himself. It was just another loss, it’s part of the job. Besides, as an authority figure, it was his duty to keep himself together in front of his men. It was already humiliating enough that five of them had to drag him in this room and lock him up on Hange’s orders. He sat down and tried to breath and calm down. Since it didn’t work, he stood up and started pacing around the room. It also didn’t work so he tried to relax by laying down on the floor. After it failed, he went back to pacing, and since it still didn’t calm him, he sat down again. But it was all useless. Even though he tried to reason himself, to hope, tell himself that maybe Hange was right, maybe the commander will come back in one piece, it was hopeless. Everytime he did as much as blinking, he would get flashes of Erwin dying in the most gruesome ways.  
Why ? Why was it hurting so much ? Levi could feel the anger coming. Why did he feel like a part of his soul got ripped away from him ? It wasn’t his first experience with loss. Why did that stupid blond had to matter so much to him ? How long has it been since he last felt so hurt ? Isabel and Farlan’s death ? His mother ? Or was it somehow even worse ?  
He stood up and kicked the chair.   
And suddenly, he could hear them. All the things he never got to tell Erwin. All the things they never got to do together. All the occasions he missed to finally live instead of survive. He could feel the tears coming, and to avoid crying he kicked the chair again.

Unleashing his rage helped him a little. He wasn’t good at expressing pain or sadness so all he could do was get angry.   
He started with the chairs, kicking them, throwing them. Then he flipped the table. Broke a few other objects here and there. When there was nothing else to destroy he started to punch and kick the walls. His body felt so numb he could hardly feel any physical pain, but at least he felt something that wasn’t one of those confusing emotions. Some proper, understandable, physical feelings. Even though his eyes felt wet, he didn’t cry. Not once.  
He kept punching at the walls. After a while, he got tired and his hands started to feel sore. He looked down. They were bruised and bled a little. He wiped off the blood. He suddenly felt exhausted. Processing the death of a loved one sure took a lot of energy. Levi sighed. He was sad, tired and he missed Erwin. He sat in a corner of the room, thinking. Remembering. When did Erwin started to matter so much ? Sure, he liked him as his commander and as his friend. He respected the man and was loyal to him. He would have done anything for him. But seeing his state right now, Levi understood it was so much more than just friendship and respect. Erwin was his reason to live. 

Levi stood up. Yes. Erwin was his reason to live and he needed to get him back. Dead or alive. But first, he needed to get out of here. He took a look around the room. The door wasn’t an option, it was locked and Hange messed up with the lock to prevent him from picking it (that damn four eyes knew him too well). The window maybe ? There were bars on it but Levi was small and flexible, he could probably slide through them. He looked down. It was pretty high and they took his maneuvering equipment, he’d have to climb down with extreme carefulness.

The captain opened the window and clambered through it. He was awkwardly passing the bars when he heard some agitation in the courtyard. Horses, people running. From his angle, Levi couldn’t see a thing. Grabbing tightly to one of the bars, he tried to shift into another position, to catch a glimpse of what was happening. He could see some scouts run towards something, but without actually identifying what. There was some excited talking that he couldn’t grasp either until he heard someone shout. Three words.

“Commander, you’re back !”

Levi almost lost his grasp on the window bar.   
He could feel his heart running and his face heat up. Could it be true ? Was Erwin truly back, and alive ? He had to get down and see for himself.   
He quickly climbed down. For someone like him it wasn’t a difficult exercise, but the excitement and impatience made him careless. He fell. Luckily not from too high. He only had a few scratches and his left ankle was hurting. It may have been lightly sprained, he’ll check on that later. Right now the adrenaline was pumping through his ears, he barely noticed the pain. He ran towards the courtyard where Erwin was. 

The commander was standing here, talking to other officers. Tall, blond, beautiful and alive. Levi was so relieved he felt like kissing that stupid face. Without a second thought he walked towards Erwin, ready to do exactly what his too-happy-to-think-straight brain was telling him to do. Until Erwin turned towards him. At the cold look on his face, Levi understood that Hange had told him about his recent reckless and suicidal behaviors. It brought him back to reason. Of course he wasn’t going to kiss his superior. Especially not in front of other people. What the hell was he thinking ? Anyway, he finally felt like himself again and that was reassuring. Erwin was alive, meaning he didn’t have to embarrass himself with anymore dumb decisions nor address his feelings. Everything was back the way it should. 

When Hange told him about what happened during his absence, Erwin was really surprised. He never really understood how Levi felt towards him. Whether he liked him or despised him. Under his cold looks and harsh words, Erwin always theorized that the captain hid, at least, friendly affection, but throughout all the years, he had never seen or heard of Levi overreacting like this. At least not since his friends, Isabel and Farlan, passed, years ago. Hange’s idea of locking up the captain felt like a terrible idea. Erwin wasn’t even sure how they managed to lock him up, without having Levi hurt anyone in the process, but if that was necessary to calm him down, so be it. The Survey Corps definitely didn’t need to have its best soldier run by himself in a titan infested field. Still, knowing the captain reacted in such an odd manner troubled the commander. They needed to talk and clear that up. He was about to ask where the captain was detained when he noticed Hange was staring at something behind him. He turned around. Levi. He had escaped.  _ Of course _ he had escaped, what were they thinking ? He observed the shorter man a little. The way he looked astonished him. The dark haired man, usually so clean and classy was completely disheveled. He had several scratch marks on his hands and face, looked like he had been through hell, and _was he limping_ ? Erwin sighed. Yes, they definitely needed to talk.

Erwin took Levi to his office to discuss what happened. Levi looked like he was about to hit someone. More than usual. Erwin closed the door behind them and turned toward his friend.

“Levi…” he started.

He was greeted by a punch in the guts. Turns out he was right about thinking Levi might hit someone.

“WHERE **_THE FUCK_ ** WERE YOU”

Erwin coughed. 

“We had a minor setback, but thankfully no one was harmed too badly”

“I’ll harm you badly”

“Levi”

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD ! WE ALL BELIEVED YOU WERE DEAD !”

“Levi, calm down”

For all answer, Levi tried to hit him again. Erwin saw it coming and grabbed his arm in time. “That’s enough.” the commander gave the shorter man his arm back and sat down. “what’s gotten into you ?”

Silence.

Erwin thoughtfully observed the dark haired man. His unpredictable reactions and mixed signals made it really difficult to properly understand how he felt. Apart from rage. That emotion was pretty obvious. He hesitated for a minute then asked: 

“Levi...were you...worried about me ?” 

“No.” the captain stiffened.

Erwin raised an eyebrow.

Levi bit his lip. “I believed you were dead, and right now I’m starting to regret that you’re not”

Erwin raised another eyebrow. Levi looked away.

“Do you really hate me that much ?”, inquired the commander. His friend sent him a distressed look.

“Of course not, you’re not…”, he paused, “Erwin, you know that’s not true. I don't hate you at all.”

“Then talk to me.”

Levi swallowed, searched for the right words, but he didn’t know what to say. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He did know what to say. His brain had been screaming it ever since Erwin came back.

_ I missed you _

_ You abandoned me _

_ I’m terrified at the thought of losing you _

_ I lov _ \- he brushed it off. He couldn’t say that. He stared deeply into Erwin’s eyes. Beautiful blue eyes. And such a soft, reassuring look as well. A little concerned maybe, but very sweet and kind.

“I can’t”

Erwin frowned, “Why not ?”

“I’m just not good at...saying things…”

“Is there any other way you could try to tell me ?”

Lost in his contemplation of Erwin’s eyes, Levi barely heard himself respond. “Yes.” He walked towards the blue-eyed man. He stared down. Luckily, the tall man was sitting down. Levi cupped Erwin’s face, had a brief moment of hesitation then kissed him. At first he was mortified but as Erwin didn’t push him away, he gained confidence. Levi finally broke the kiss and carefully examined the other man. Erwin was dazzled. Surprised, but delighted. Levi's heart was racing, but he wanted to tell him how he felt.

“I just can’t imagine living in a world where you’re not.” He regretted saying that. They were soldiers. Death was the only thing waiting for them. Erwin didn’t seem to care. He softly brushed Levi’s hair out of his face, a slight smile stuck on his lips.

“I’ll always be with you. No matter what.” and he pulled his black haired lover into another kiss.  
Tomorrow they may die, but today they allowed themselves to hope. 


End file.
